霸占空间
What started out as 霸占空间, hogging empty spaces, turned into a discovery of differences. The anger subsided, fear emerged, kindness reminded me to understand differences.
The initial plan was to take pictures of myself amidst strangers, groups of older heterosexual men who would gather at coffee shops, drink coffee, drink beer, smile at pretty little girls -- or even in my definition not so pretty girls -- sweet talk 啤酒妹 or not so 妹, be handsy. Often, I do not feel safe walking pass them. I lower my head, avoid eye contact, hold my breath and breeze past them. 没有安全感。我低着头，经快的逃避。为什么没有安全感？如何得到细微的安全感？那咖啡店有一摊买面，听说很好吃但是我没有勇气在那排队买面。我怕，我担心，那些老ah pek 问我多少钱。
30 June 2021, I was very tired so I napped and only woke up at 10am. I wanted to go to the coffee shop to take photos -- to situate myself in what felt dangerous. But it wouldn't have been too dangerous because I would be dressed like a little virgin girl.
So I asked my grandma to help me take some photos as I had homework. She agreed.
First task:
At the voiddeck, there were people walking past. Popo tried to film me many times but her fingers kept blocking the camera or the camera angle would shift and not capture the focus.
Popo helped me to film this video. It was a great moment. That lao ah pek took a glance from my top to toe. Not sure if he stared because he saw the camera or because I was wearing shorts. But Popo missed the glance!
How easily I blend in?
Are you able to spot me in the two pictures below?
My grandma did not take these pictures for me. Instead, I bumped into a young pork seller -- not considered a butcher I think. I waved to him, walked over and made some small talk, with the intention to ask if he could help me take some pictures.
The fish soup stall owner asked him to bring the tray of food the old lady nearby and collect money from her. So I offered to help instead but I didn't understand some of her instructions. I was just going to get a little saucier of chilli but she kept saying other things so I thought she asked me to take the whole tray out. So confused me stepped aside and I just let the young pork seller serve the old lady.
After he returned, the fish soup stall owner asked if I was his girlfriend. He didn't answer, I shaked my head, laughed under my mask, he shrugged and the fish soup stall owner commented, "she doesn't want to admit ah?" and he shrugged again.
So this time, I asked him to take a picture for me. He took these two pictures for me. I checked, smiled at him under my mask and said bye.
婆婆那时碰到她的朋友。我就问她要帮我还是跟她朋友聊天。她就陪她的朋友聊天，我自己上楼，找地方拍照。
一点担心。看到的都是年纪大的人，不敢问他们，要求他们帮我。我走几圈， 不知道为什么，走了几圈，就遇到了卖猪肉的年轻人。
我走过去，跟他聊一下，问他能够帮我拍照。刚开始，他拒绝我，害羞的说他怕拍的不好。我在问，他是很容易就答应了。
他帮我拍照之前，卖鱼汤的aunty叫他捧鱼汤给一位老aunty。我其实想帮他但是aunty讲的话弄到我乱。不知道她要我拿辣椒还是拿一小碟的辣椒。后来，他捧给老aunty。好了后，卖鱼汤的aunty问他：
“e h，她是你的女朋友啊？“
买猪肉的年轻人没回答
我朵在口罩后笑， 摇头
aunty没有理我， 又问他而已。
”她不要承认啊“
他耸耸肩
我又笑，过去叫他帮我拍照
拍好了，我说谢了，就走了。
This used to be an open space whereby the residents would gather and talk. In the morning, the older residents, usually the women would gather as early at 7:30am till lunch time.
Now, rarely anyone gathers there. Not only are some of the residents no longer there, the open space is no longer open. It is cramp. 好窄。好多灰尘。It is so dusty. I don't even want to sit on the bench properly. I used to sleep on the benches.
Click here for translations
1 July 2021
It's a new day. The suggested plan was to go to the market in sexy clothes, get pictures and videos, and after change into normal clothes and go to the market again.
Locating myself:
Singaporean Chinese, 24 years old in 2021.
Hougang Hainanese Village Centre, predominantly older Chinese residents.
The stall owners at the wet market recognise me, know me, know my grandmother.
I decided to wear a skirt that I felt like would be more eye-catching. Usually, I would wear a small beige scarf with this skirt, but it was very revealing and I think it was too fast. Or maybe I was scared.
Popo and I affectionally refer to this uncle as Ah Zu. He knows me and occasionally when I go to the market alone, he would help me out more by giving me pointers on how I should pick the vegetables. Today, his eyes were cold, as though he didn't know me. I was afraid too, to sustain a longer eye contact with him.
How he looks at me like I'm different...
Update:
The next day, I went back to the market with my grandma and bought cucumbers and kang kong from Ah Zu. I told him I was there the day before and asked if he knew.
And of course he knew!
It's like a play for me. I'm playing. I need to be careful to not just frame them as perpetrators. I'm just highlighting differences first. They looked, he looked, because it was different.
Who wears a bulky dress to the market? Especially in the morning?
Who shows that much skin when at the market?
I wanted to recreate one of the photographs, but in a different outfit. I couldn't do it as the table I sat on yesterday was taken. Someone offered us his table. We took it. Before we whipped the camera out, people were staring. My dear friend Chong Ming stood away and took a picture of me sitting down. Everyone returned their eyes to their original positions.
I walked around, looking for food. I went to get fried carrot sticks and sugarcane juice. The fried carrot sticks aunty was very sweet. She smiled at me and did not say anything else to me. The sugarcane aunty called me “美女”，"pretty girl". She asked me if I was still studying.
我做工了
我很大
真的吗？
She couldn't believe me. What if I told her I teach young students?
She wouldn't stop looking. Curious?
Initially, I asked my friend, male to record videos for me. However, following me around with a camera, either secretly filming or opening filming wasn't a very good idea. People were giving him dirty looks and he felt like people were seeing him as a pervert!
didn't manage to play around too much
2 July 2021
Popo did not let wear the outfits I had intended to wear. I changed 3 times.
_edited.jpg)
1. No
2. Still no. Popo says the skirt is so ugly. Trash.
_edited_edited.jpg)
3. Yes okay. I've worn this many times to the market.
What's next?