the universe is a collage of bruises
2020
i'm not pretty that's why I cut my hair.
i'm not pretty that's why I have to cut my hair.
you suggesting that i cut my hair like that girl in the soap opera wouldn't make me any prettier, it will only prove to everyone how hard I try to be a woman but will never be one.
does wearing a bra hide the fact the fact that i have breasts? does wearing a shirt hide the fact that hides my bra hide the fact that i have breast and i have to wear a bra?
After out first physical meet-up, I told he(r):
"I don't usually wear a bra, but I wore it to meet you because I don't know... I was worried that you might be uncomfortable if I didn't wear a bra, especially because it was our first meeting."
You said: "It doesn't bother me. Don't worry. Do what you need to do. It's your body."
That wasn't a red flag. Your masculinity was red flag.
I have never worn a dress in that many consecutive days if it wasn't for you.
I couldn't stop myself from performing femininity for you.
I
I lost her
fingers
S(he) told me not to cut my hair, so that I would still be feminine for (he)r. That maybe s(he) could still hold my hair while s(he) fucks me.
there's no in-between
either you fuck me of you fuck off
Last night, I cried in front of my grandma willingly. I could feel the tears coming so I went to the toilet. And I left the toilet knowing that I want to cry in front of my grandma.
I messaged my mother. I told her not to determine her self-worth based on my accomplishments. I told her, "if you put your value on others, then you will always be disappointed and upset.
It's important to know your own self-worth and not have other people affect your self-worth.
At the end of the day, we only have ourselves. We are all alone. If you don't believe in yourself, it is the same as you not respecting yourself, and you will always doubt if other people respect you."
She didn't understand what I was trying to say.
Her responds:
"Don know if u r grateful to know Yr parents are very hard working. Try their best to provide for the kid. U can never understand how ppl suffer with lazy and abuse parents."
I chose to be vulnerable. I texted my mother, "I'm crying now because I'm upset - that you never listen to what I say - and always insist that you are right." I told her that her words are abusive.
I chose to be vulnerable and told her I cried. Only with my tears and vulnerability she told me "I will go through the text when I calm down."
When I got home, she asked me to eat tau huay and she cooked lunch and dinner the next day.
Mama perpetuates her own cycle of misery. She prostitutes herself by taking up the chores of cleaning and cooking, and by not letting her husband help out.
She doesn't know she perpetuates her own misery, she doesn't know she may be as abusive as her parents to her own child.
I hope one day I will be brave enough to say that in her face.
The next step I have to take:
Stop wearing a bra at home
I started writing out of fear, out of a sense of displacement and anger. Words seem to have become a cushion for me, while I lay down down and I cry. At the same time, I gradually started hiding behind my words; words like a cushion comforted me yet at times delayed my addressing of issues.
With this work, I create for myself a space to be honest. A space where I can lie to myself, hide behind my words but a space that also turns my words against each other, in hopes I find points of reconciliation, be in with internal dilemmas or external struggles.
Special thanks to my supervisor, Professor Broc Rossell
words in a public domain
I no longer have ownership over my words
This text has an ever-changing title and I'd never want to forget any of them:
Growl, and you eat your guilt
Pussy Growl
The words here are not directly taken from the text. If you would like a copy of the work, please email me.